Stillness

Lately I have felt my body and mind relax. I have felt anxiety leave my fingers and toes and lips. I’m able to sit quietly. To read and to watch TV. I’m able to think better at work.

Is it due to Kari? The way we interact? Is it due to exercise or the handful of daily supplements? The lack of alcohol? Is it my age? Wisdom? More focus on sleep and a healthy diet? Less sugar? Could it be that my mom’s worsening dementia has taken away my deep need for her approval?

Is it a stillness that comes from within? Spirit of God?

Maybe it’s a little of everything. And I don't take it for granted. I wake up each morning, grateful for another day. Grateful for strength and clarity. Fully aware that it could all leave in an instant.

But in this post-covid, post-divorce summer, still recovering from an eating disorder and all manner of self-deception, I’m mindful of this smaller life. My mission field is at home and at work and on Thursdays at CBB. It’s also my physical and mental health.

Holly has been correct every step of the way. And so has Sofia for that matter. And at least one of my therapists. But I wasn’t ready at the time. It required several years to hear them.

I’ve been rereading Henri Nouwen. His journey towards simplicity and honesty took decades, and we can see the progression through his beautiful words. And as meaningful as he was to me fifteen years ago, the connection is even more powerful now.

I have a handful of people who love me unconditionally. And satisfying work. Two beautiful inspiring kids, good health and a wonderful partner.

I can do more, help more, risk more, give more. But for now I’m simply going to rest in this peaceful season.

Holy, One, help us to simplify and to allow ourselves the freedom to change. Amen

Brandon Pomeroy is a member of Peace Church and is trying to sleep more.