New Year, New Direction
New year, same old me.
But not really.
My 50’s will come to an end this year- which has been very stressful, of course. I spent a lot of 2025 trying to prove something to myself. Reading more than ever. Exercising and walking more than ever. Working more days and taking more call than ever. Learning more new electronic medical records and joining the staff at more new hospitals than ever. All while trying to be a good partner, father, son, brother, doctor, friend. Also while continuing to be involved with everything else in my life. Not to mention keeping up with so much reality TV.
I was completely wrong about what 2025 would end up looking like for me.
And I’ll be wrong about 2026.
Here is an idea though. A direction I’d like to move in.
Of the many books I read last year, a few of them had a common theme. One that doesn't feel like a coincidence. These four are nonfiction, but many of the fiction books had characters that made me reflect on the same idea.
They made me question why I do the things I do. Why I feel like I have to help others. Why I have to always be busy. Why I always have to text first. Or pay for things. Or say I’m sorry. Or avoid conflict.
Why I haven’t found the line between being nice and being taken advantage of.
Between being helpful and fawning.
Between being humble and being walked on.
I’m not going to change my personality. And honestly, I don't want to. There are enough narcissists, enough selfishness to go around. But it’s been interesting to examine it.
One time, about five years ago I saw a psychotherapist. His chair was very close to mine- our knees nearly touching. Within the first five minutes he asked what I meant by “helping people” - and why I felt like I needed to do it- my mind imploded. And then when he asked about my mom while staring into my eyes, I shut down. It was too much, too fast. I never went back.
I saw a much more passive psychotherapist a few years later. But it was the opposite problem. He listened to me talk with no challenge- giving no input. I told him forty-five minute long stories every week for six weeks, then ran out of things to say. He barely said a word.
Anyway, that one visit really stuck with me and this past year, these books have helped me understand myself much better.
Here are the books- the Peace crowd might find something useful in them as well.
How to Love Better- Yung Pueblo
Are You Mad at Me? - Meg Josephson
Fawning- Ingrid Clayton
All the Way to the River- Elizabeth Gilbert
So, 2026. Who knows? But I thank God for the time I’ve been given to work on myself. I’ll never get it right. But I feel like I’m moving in the right direction. I’m grateful and open.
Holy One, thank you for this bright new year. For joyous birds on an early January walk. For each other. And for faith, hope and love. Amen
Brandon is a member of Peace Church and is grateful for the Christmas Eve service - it was so perfect and beautiful.