Ring Theory

On January 21, 2013, Caleb had his first seizure.  He was 8 years old.  We had friends over for dinner and heard a loud crash.  He was on the bathroom floor seizing.  We called 911 and rode in an ambulance to Children's Mercy and was told by the ER doctor that Caleb probably fell, hit his head and this would never happen again.  He said seizures happen to kids all the time and we shouldn’t worry.  Caleb’s next seizure was 3 weeks later.  We learned that kids having a single seizure is common, usually due to fevers, but multiple seizures are a problem.  Caleb was scheduled for brain scans to make sure he didn’t have a tumor (he didn’t) and an EEG to see if his brain activity was abnormal (it was).  That was the beginning of our family’s journey with idiopathic epilepsy with tonic-clonic and absence seizures.  Caleb failed several medications and the first medication that worked left him basically catatonic.  At first, I would have done anything if his seizures would just stop, which later changed to thinking I would do anything if his seizures would stop AND he could play like a normal kid.

Caleb ultimately outgrew his epilepsy and is no longer on medication.  He is no more likely to have a seizure than anyone else.  It was the most traumatic years our family has ever experienced.  Telling people about Caleb’s epilepsy was also challenging.  People needed to know because proper first aid is vital.  Spreading awareness about epilepsy is also important.  However, I found it frustrating when I would tell family and close friends and they were so distraught by the news that I found myself comforting them, instead of receiving comfort.

After the epilepsy diagnosis, someone introduced me to the idea of Ring Theory.  Developed by Susan Silk, Ring Theory is a concept consisting of a series of concentric rings with the person in crisis in the center and each larger ring containing those next closest to the person in crisis.  Each person in the diagram is advised to "comfort in, dump out", which Silk calls the "kvetching order.”  The person in the center of the circle of rings can talk about their stress to anyone, but those in other rings can only dump to those in larger rings than their own.  When talking to someone in a smaller ring than one's own, one can only offer support and comfort and cannot discuss one's own feelings about the situation, as discussing one's own difficult feelings only adds to the stress the person in the smaller ring is already experiencing and is therefore unhelpful.  Giving unasked-for advice, sharing similar experiences, and offering platitudes are examples of non-supportive attempts of support or comfort.  In other words, “dumping in."

I know our Peace community knows how to care for people in our circles, but I find this particular visualization to be helpful and hope you will as well.  As people we know experience trauma, try to remember that they are the center of their own ring, and we are the center of our own ring.  We can and should be comforted by those around us, but it is critical to remember where we fall on someone else’s ring – comfort in and dump out.

Creator,

As we try to provide comfort to those around us, let us remember that you comfort all.  Grace to us this week.  May we find it, and may we give it to others.

Amen

Michelle is a Program Analyst with the Department of Veterans Affairs. She’s a wife, mother, sister, and friend, a chocolate and coffee lover, reader of books, listener of podcasts, and a travel enthusiast.