Mad at God
You could see the years’ worth of weariness written on her face. Since last July, she’s been steadfast in her vigil at her mother’s bedside. Holding her water bottle to her lips, singing to her, holding her hand, rubbing her arms, talking in a hushed tone so as not to startle her. Arriving at the care center feeling down and leaving feeling despondent.
During one of our long talks, my mother asked me, “Why do you think God is letting this happen to her? She is neither alive nor dead. Is this some kind of test? I don’t want anything to do with a God that ‘tests’ me like this.”
We have all been there. There have been times when we’ve questioned a God that could somehow allow for such heartbreaking things to happen to us and our loved ones. We’ve shaken our fist at God and imagined ourselves a pawn in a malevolent God’s chess game.
People with good intentions tell us that God has a plan, and that we may not have all the answers right now. But as humans, we crave clarity and answers. No one wants to suffer through uncertainty.
I didn’t have an answer for my mother. I can only sit and listen and empathize. But I do remember a phrase that has stayed with me since Peace was a little nomadic church with a handful of members. “God is good all the time. All the time, God is good.” During that difficult time, I didn’t feel very close to God. In fact, I was pretty mad at God. But saying that phrase, over and over, until I started to believe it helped me get through some bad times.
I don’t know if God has a plan for everything that happens, and what that may mean for my grandmother. But I do know that when I feel my feelings, God sees and hears it. Anger and sadness are valid emotions (Thank you Inside Out), but we just don’t want to live in those emotions. I don’t have any answers, and maybe I’m not supposed to right now. But it helps me to know that God is good, all the time. Even today. Tomorrow too.
Holy One,
Help us during difficult times to feel your presence. Give us reassurance to know that you and your plan for us are always good, even in the worst of times.
Amen
Kelly has fond memories of her grandmother – trips to Dairy Queen in her bright yellow Ford Escort, and late night reruns of Nick at Nite. These memories are just a few examples of how God has been good.